What is it about big milestones that whip the breath straight out of my lungs? I know they are coming. I’ve built myself up to them but somehow, every time, my life stands still and I’m forced to face it.
Our son, Joshua, died in October 2009 following a mismanaged labor in Portlaoise hospital. Since his death and the subsequent cover up, I have suffered from post traumatic stress disorder which has affected my ability to sustain a job and in some cases, friendships.
I’ve got a happy place I retreat to every year circa September. I call it my “rock.” The rock is familiar, it’s comfortable. I love the rock. My loved ones know not to bother me while I’m in there and eventually, I emerge.
Sometimes medicated, sometimes not. Depending on the year I’ve had, how often I’ve broken down and more importantly, how much fight I have.
Then each year, on his birthday / anniversary, we release balloons, gather around in an adult circle and mark the day. It’s a kids birthday party but how do you explain it to a child that they’re at a birthday party but the celebrated person is not there?
1st September 2014, I thought I was going to lose my life. I thought my heart would give out from the pain it was experiencing. Over the space of a few days, thanks to Facebook, I was forced to wonder what Joshua would look like on his first day of school. Would he have had long or short hair? Would he have freckles or dimples? Would he be screaming at the classroom door for his mammy like so many others were?
I was pregnant at the time with our daughter, Maisie. Hormones took over. Questions lay unanswered, obviously, so I hid under the duvet sobbing on the morning he was meant to start. I was sadder than sad. Why us? Why the hell did Facebook have to be so cruel? But I had to pull myself together because crying like that was no good for the baby in my womb.
Fast forward to today. It’s now exactly 19 days until our son was due to have his First Holy Communion. Again Facebook torments me and I can’t find my bloody rock! I’m exposed!
Everywhere, I see parents freaking out because they can’t find the right bouncy castle, caterer, the perfect dress or suit. I watch people panicking about costs and all I want to do is figure out whether we should mark his special day at all?
Do angel babies celebrate their First Communion too or is it a privilege held only for those on earth? Do we go to the Communion mass without our son and wish he was there? Do we wait for a later mass so as not to get upset in front of the happy parents? Do we go at all? If I put rosary beads on his grave, will an innocent child steal them?
What is the appropriate action to take here and why do I feel guilty for wanting to mark yet another missed milestone?
Either way, I feel so sad, not only for my own son but all of the angel babies who should be celebrating this month. I feel for their parents, siblings and extended families for not knowing what to do or whether to mention it to each other.
S xo
