The ugly side of grief - am I normal?
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realise someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.
Normal is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for birthday and Christmas gifts or whether to go at all. Then feeling guilty because you believe you are expected to fall apart on these occasions - so you oblige to your own detriment.
Normal is feeling like you can't sit a moment without getting up and moving about, because you just don't like to sit through anything anymore.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly. It's bad dreams and broken sleep after hours spent staring at a ceiling.
Normal is reliving the moment you heard that news, not continuously but randomly through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.
Normal is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.
Normal is staring at every child who looks like they are your child’s age. And then thinking of the age they'd would be now and what their voice would sound like, what their interests might have been. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen anyway.
Normal is feeling a burning anger when you see a couple arguing over something petty and wanting to scream at them "DO YOU KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE THEY ARE STILL F**KING ALIVE?!" but choosing not to, because you're well... trying to be "normal" and you've learned by now that nobody wants to be told that life can unnaturally end sooner than it was meant to.
Normal is allowing every happy event in your life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the sinking in your heart.
Normal is telling the story of your loved one's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds and then realising it has become a part of your "normal."
Normal is wanting to tell everyone "look what I've been through" and almost NEEDING the validation for surviving it.
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honour your loved one's memory on their birthdays, anniversaries, christmas, mother and fathers day and trying your best to survive these days and the weeks beforehand. Trying to find the balloon or ornament that fits the occasion but there are none - because nothing and nobody can capture the love and pain you feel for that person except them and they're not here. Happy Birthday? Well, not really.
Normal is your heart warming and then filling with dread at someone else's good news because the innocence is gone for you. Thinking how nice it must be to worry only about details and trying not to say "but they might die, are you prepared for that?"
Normal is having people afraid to mention your loved one's name or apologising every time they use it in fear of upsetting you.
Normal is making sure that others remember them by overstocking your living space with constant reminders of them. Belongings, photographs, jewellery, clothes. Not because you necessarily want to keep them but because you keep telling yourself that by removing them, that people will think you don't love them anymore. Then you feel stuck.
Normal is after you attend any funeral, you are hit with a fresh wave of grief for your loss. Because you think you feel the pain from the main grievers and jealousy at "Why did they live so long and my person didn't?"
Normal is questioning your own mortality when others die.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost someone in the exact same way. It's choosing to talk over them and enter your own situation instead of being present when someone else needs you. But it's really not a competition, grief is only relative to the individual and you will eventually realise this.
Normal is hiding under a rock and trying not to cry all day, because you know your mental health depends on it.
Normal is waking up on any given day feeling fine and staying that way until for no real reason, you crash back to the earth.
Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the laundry or if there is any food.
Normal is being in too much control of your body. Normal is losing sight of the damage you are doing to it. Abusing yourself just to feel anything because you feel like you must be clinically numb.
Normal is wondering this time what you are going to say when someone asks about your home situation casually because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that someone is dead at risk of upsetting a stranger.
And yet when you say nothing, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed the dead.
And yet when you tell them, feeling vile for disregarding the good you currently have in your life.
Normal is asking God why he took their life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.
Normal is losing faith in absolutely everyone because you feel abandoned by someone you should have had with you until you were old and grey.
Normal is learning to lie to everyone you meet and telling them you are fine. You lie because it makes others uncomfortable. You've learned it's easier to lie to them than it is to tell them the truth; that you still feel empty and like it's probably never going to get any better - ever. But it does.
Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal" again.
The beauty in your grief
How blessed you have been to share a love so strong that your whole world collapses without them.
Normal is a new found appreciation for the surviving people in your life. It's recognising how important they are to you and letting them know how much their presence means while they are around. You will fear the loss of them too.
Normal is realising how impactful a person can be and how fragile life really is. You will appreciate the good you bring to others' lives too. You will be more generous, tolerant and kind than before.
Normal is beginning again. In spite of the betrayal you feel to the one you have lost.
Beginning again - But doing it right:
Lovingly packing up the closets, sorting through the belongings and giving them to people who might treasure them without the tears. Sending the clothing to a charity shop close to your heart. Removing the hoards of photos from your view and keeping the nice ones on show. You will never heal when you surround yourself constantly with your past. Please realise this.
Keeping a memory box away from view but where you know you can find it when you're having a really bad day. Keeping jewellery (if you have it), a favourite item of clothing, photos, remembrance cards and letters here. Knowing that it's private and nobody has the right to tell you its inappropriate to keep them there.
Redecorating, remodeling or moving. Recognising the need to make the space your own to feel yourself again.
Dealing with well meaning people who are keeping you down.
You may face disapproval for these actions above from some family and friends who believe you are trying to erase a memory but this is simply not true. You will never erase your memories, nor should you. This is a step to invite new memories in.
There will always be people who will give you constant reminders of what you used to have and this will be well intended. However, it is also unfair if you are taking steps to rebuild your life and it is perfectly okay for you to say "I miss them but this is what I need to do to open my heart again."
People who love you will ALWAYS respond well to boundaries and this is a good one to set. Talk about your lost loved one on your own terms and give yourself a chance. It doesn't need to be a battle within yourself. Humans have an endless capacity for love. Embrace yours.
The day will come when you have stepped forward in your life and everybody around you will see the changes in you. You will feel them too. Hope is renewed and you will feel like you can trust again. The approval will come then - not that you needed it.
You may be terrified for a while but once you take the plunge into something new, you will realise that if the roles were reversed, you would want your loved ones to live full and happy lives. If you commit to opening your heart again, do it fully. Its is not fair to a new child or new love to hold back from them. They will suffer.
How I've grown
I'm lucky enough that I've always journalled the rough days so I do have a written log of how my personal grief has changed. I don't look at it often, just if I feel like I'm struggling more than I have been. A quick glance will disprove that though.
Often, we don't recognise how far we have come in our hearts and heads but each day we choose to live is another day towards a healed heart. A healed heart isn't a forgetful one but one which has the capacity to love wholly.
My turning point was when I decided to have my second child after the compounded loss of my son 4 years prior to this. I forced my brain and heart to do something which felt impossible and had gripped me with fear. But I knew what I had to do to give my daughter the best of me. I've never looked back for more than a few hours.
There are still rough days - especially when I'm at family events or when big days come up but they are expected. I've slowly learned not to allow myself to grieve too much for what I don't have on those occasions but to smile and pull myself back to the present and express gratitude for what I now have.
It took 4 years to stop breaking down over big days but I believe if I had taken the steps to seek talk therapy and to stop enshrining him, I would have recovered from the trauma a lot sooner.
Final word
So if your grief is fresh or prolonged - do take the steps to get your life back. You deserve to give and receive love. You are more than competent and capable. We are born to withstand grief and it ultimately is our own choice whether we stay stuck or live as they would want us to.
Allow your heart to be open. Get outdoors. Talk to someone if you need to and set boundaries with family and friends early. Let them see you are going to be okay.
You won't regret it.
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